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Twisting all the bad things into good

Dec 7, 2011

The Nitty Gritty, 23: If I'm Dying, I'm Lying

Well its been building up inside of me
For oh I don't know how long
I don't know why
But I keep thinking
Something's bound to go wrong
-Brian Wilson, Don't Worry Baby 


            Nothing would ever be the same after today.
            This day had been in the works for some time. The days, the months, the years. They all lead up to today.
            Hard to nail down exactly when this timeline started.
            Thursday? Friday?
            Nearly 6 days is a long time to walk around completely out of touch with reality without someone noticing.
            Nearly 6 months is a long time to go for someone not sleeping.
            November... 2008?
            Nearly 2 years of clinical depression is a long time to go without seeing someone.
            Summer... 2003?
            Nearly 30,000 pills is a lot of pharmaceuticals to abuse without someone dying.
            Dying was about the only thing I had not done yet.
            Part of me would die before Wednesday surrendered to Thursday. The rest of me would have to wait. That day will come, just as inevitably as this day would. Just a matter of time.
            Like any other day, the sun would go down, but today, I would get there first.  
            The day that divides the week.
            The day when we convince ourselves that everything will be okay for the rest of the week if we can just find a way of surviving today.
            Wednesday. September 7th, 2010.
            The day that divided my life.
            The day I convinced myself that, even if I survived today, nothing would ever be okay for the rest of my life.

            Hump day.
            Somehow, you survived Monday and Tuesday. It all gets better after Wednesday. At least when you wake up on Thursday, you can tell yourself that tomorrow is Friday. And on Friday, you convince yourself that you will make the most of the weekend. You tell yourself this because it makes bearable the unbearable thought of starting this madness again on Monday.
            The weekend, the payday, the Happy Hour, the concert, the movie, the playoff game, the birthday, the long weekend, the holiday, the vacation, the Summer, the graduation, the wedding, the career, the retirement.
            These momentary happy endings that you think may make the rest of it all worth it.
            These events that you need to look forward to in order to make it through your days, and your weeks, and your months, and your years.
            The things that help you make it through your life.
            The lies we tell ourselves just to get by.
            These lies we need to stop us from killing ourselves and each other.
            But they don't.
            The lies are not enough.
            The lies help...until they kill us.
            The truth hurts...until it saves us.
            Once I ran out of money for drugs, I could not lie to myself any longer. I had to face the awful truth that I saw in my bathroom mirror. The truth, the shame, the regrets, the pain, the depression, the insomnia, and the hopelessness had become too much to take. The truth hurt so bad that my mind began to lie to me. Delusions and hallucinations were now the truth. Nobody had been around to tell me any different.
            Today they would try.
            People who did not know me would try to convince me that my truths were lies. People who loved me would try to convince me that their lies were the truth.
            I would not react well to either.
            I was was not going to accept what they would try to tell me.
            It was not the truth.
            It was all lies.
            It was hump day.
            It was Wednesday.


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