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Twisting all the bad things into good

Dec 21, 2011

The Nitty Gritty, 28: September Spawned A Monster

 I have come to the brink of utter ruin
and now I must face public disgrace.        
 Proverbs 5:14

  WEDNESDAY. SEPTEMBER 7th, 2010. 4:30ish

            I stop my car just in time.
            A cop car blocks my escape. I figure I'll get out of his way so he can take care of the asshole who is causing problems in my neighborhood. Whatever it is, I don't want to get involved. I'm already frantic as shit so he's going to find it hard to believe I'm not up to something shady.
            I reversed my car under the gate before it could close again. I back into my spot.  I throw the car in park and turn it off. Then I realize he may be there because of what's going on with my parents. I hit the garage door opener button that opens the back gate. I don't even put my flip flops on or put my window up. I just get out and slam my door, and start towards the back of the garage. It doesn't open. I hit the wrong button. I opened the front gate so the cop can walk right in.
            "James MacDonald?" 
            I would have to get around him to get away. I don't know how far I'm gonna get in bare feet. Plus, I don't know how many other cops are out there. He's about 10 feet away so I need to run now if I'm going to have a chance.
            "Are you James MacDonald?"
            I try to act like everything is cool.
            "Yeah, why what's up?"
            "Some people are worried about you".
            Either my friends or my family have fucked me over.
            "Who's worried about me?"
            "Your family and friends are worried about you".
            "I don't know what they told you, but they're the ones with the problem, not me. Whatever is going on, it has nothing to do with me".
             He puts his hands up as if he is approaching a mad dog that he would prefer not to have to put out of it's misery.
            "Everything is alright. You're not in trouble. People who care about you are just concerned about what's been going on".
            "Look, I know something is going on with my dad, but it doesn't involve me. All I know is that I found out my dad died on Sunday and then he just called me 5 minutes ago. That's all I know".
           "That's fine. You're not in trouble, but you do have to come with me".
            I'm not scared. I'm angry.
            "My family is fucked up so you're gonna arrest me?"
            "I'm not arresting you".
            "You're not arresting me?
            "No. I'm just going to take you somewhere so you can talk about what's going on".
            "About what's going on with my dad?"
            "About everything. Anything you want to talk about".
            "What's going to happen to my dad?"
            "Don't worry about your dad. I know that you need some help. I'm gonna take you to get some".
            "I don't understand what's happening".
            I'm not angry anymore. I realize that I am in over my head. Running would only make this situation worse. I trust this guy.
            "You promise you're not arresting me?"
            "I'm not arresting you. You haven't done anything".
            He's right, I think?
            "Alright, then. I'll go with you".
            As if I had a choice.
            He tells me to turn around and put my hands on the car. I shake my head as I turn and put my hands on the car. Outside the back gate, I see my neighbor who gave me the xanax because she thought my dad died. She is walking her Shih tzu. They are both watching the whole thing. "It's going to be okay" she yells to me. Sure it is.
            "I thought you weren't arresting me?" I say.
            He asks for my left hand. I put it behind my back and he cuffs it.
            "You're not under arrest".
            "I've been arrested before" I admit. "It feels like I'm under arrest".
            He assures me I'm not as he checks my pockets.
            "Then what's up with the handcuffs?"
            He tells me it's the law.
            I'm disgusted at myself for trusting him. I'm such an idiot. I should have ran.

             I ask him if he can put my window up and lock my door for me. He does. I think about running, but I'm not going far in bare feet with my hands cuffed behind my back.
            "Can you put a shirt or something over the cuffs so my neighbors don't think I'm a criminal?"
             He just says that it's fine and we're gonna leave now.
             I don't care anymore. There's nothing left to lose. Nothing to look forward to. No family. No friends. No girlfriend. No money. No hopes. No self esteem. I'm finished. My life is fucked. It can't be unfucked. I just wish I would have eaten enough pills to have just died in my sleep. I just wish I was never born.

            As the officer walks me out of the garage,  I see Jeff is standing there.
            I'm speechless as I stare him down.
            I can see the concern on his face. My best friend called the cops because he is concerned that I am going to ruin our fucking company.
            "You alright, bro?" he asks.
            This sets me off.
            "You bring the fucking cops over here?" I am beyond pissed. "You been talking to my parents?"
            The cop knows I am losing control. He knows I would swing on Jeff if I could, so he tightens his grip and walks me towards his car faster. He opens the back door so he can put me in. I look over the hood of the cop car at my former best friend. Before I am put in the backseat, Jeff tells me what he is feeling.
            "I love ya, bro!"
            I immediately tell him how I feel.
            "FUCK YOU!" 


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