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Twisting all the bad things into good

Jan 15, 2012

Patron Saint of...Whatever.: The People vs. Jimmy Mac (1)


The following chapters took place between
September 9th and September 13th, 2010
"Some day I will wake up
and realize I made up
Can't Be Saved


            "Oh. My. God."
            I look around and I realize that I am in a place for crazy people.
            "What. The. Fuck. Did. I. Do. Now?"
            This is not good. I lay back down before anyone knows that I am awake. I need to get my story straight so I can defend myself from, from...whatever is going to happen to me.
            All I know is that these people think I am crazy.  

            "All rise".
            Court is in session in my head. I am a defendant who has made the always genius decision to defend himself. Since this is pro bono, I am sure to get what I paid for. It seems that I owe myself a favor from a long time ago. It also seems that my atypical attorney is nothing more than some public pretender who knows nothing about law that he has not seen in some legal drama adapted from a John Grisham novel.
            This is the part in my movie where I try to find order in the court.
            This is the part where I try to convince the jury of my innocence.

            "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'd like to first start by apologizing to you. As both defendant and my own defense, I am sorry. I am sorry that my case has taken you away from your friends and family. I know that you would prefer to be with them rather than being stuck here".
            They think my sincerity is genuine.

            "Let me start with the facts, facts that I have been eyewitness to. On the afternoon of Friday, September 3rd, 2010, I was getting ready to go AWOL from my personal war with The Axis of Evil: Addiction, Depression, and Insomnia. On the afternoon in question, I was busy fighting and losing The Battle of the Bedroom against an army of ants and their attempt at insect imperialism. It was not long before I found myself attacked on another front... my front door. The carnage only escalated as the Battle of Nobody Knocking became more and more hopeless".
            They hang on my every word.

            "Somewhere between the shock and the awe, I received a text on a phone that had not worked in almost 2 years. It was from a friend who I had not seen in 5 years that had taken it upon herself to come visit me with her twin sister. After driving from Atlanta to South Florida in record time, they decided to head back about 4 minutes after they arrived. I was desperate for a little R and R. Since I knew the twins also enjoyed rock and roll, I left with them. I also needed to rest and relax, so I fell asleep on the ride. I slept like Rumplestiltskin all the way to...."
            Juror Number One covers her mouth, struggling  not to laugh. I don't see what is so funny. Then I realize that I have confused my fairy tale characters. If I remember correctly, Rumplestiltskin was a pedophile.
            "I must have slept like Rip Van Winkle," I wink at Juror Number One,"because I woke up at the Kansas City Airport, where we departed to Las Vegas on a flight I don't remember. The fun and table games would not last long. After a run in with the deranged illusionist, Criss Angel, you know, the Mind Freak? After a bit of a situation with him and his homicidal security guards, I cut our trip short. When I got home, I found that I had not spent one dollar in Sin City".
            I think I lost them at "Criss Angel".
            "On Sunday, my father died. I did not handle this well. Not at all. Luckily, my friends came over in my hour of need. They all stood atop a palm tree as a sign of their support. A little while later they all left to go watch football. I spent the rest of the day stuck in an elevator, thinking about my father".
            They feel my pain.

            "Sometime on Monday, I was in Philly. I don't remember how I got there, but I found myself in the company of corrupt cops, drug dealers, pimps, and prostitutes. After barely getting away with my life, in the early morning hours of Tuesday, I found myself fighting for my life on a boat. It was on that boat where I suffered this injury to my knee. I submit Defense Exhibit A: The nasty scab on my knee".
            I'm either a great attorney or a great actor.

            "I threw myself overboard when I knew I was going to die on that boat. I was floating in the ocean until my friends discovered me as they searched for buried treasure. Later on, in desperate need of hydration, I entered a local watering hole to see my mother making out with a man who was not my dead father. I can see the disgusted looks on your faces, ladies and gentlemen. I know, I felt the same way".
            They like me. They really like me.

            "The next day, Wednesday, yesterday, I was hanging out with some random friends and a guy who I would consider it good news to hear that he died a horrible and preferably slow death. I see that look on your faces again, but trust me, ladies and gentlemen, you would feel the same way if you ever had the displeasure of meeting this degenerate scumbag. I pray that you never do".
            I chew the scenery. I ham it up. I Daniel Day Lewis.
            "Late in the afternoon, my dead father called me". They're confused. "Yes, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I was confused too. In a panic, I tried to get away from the madness I was being surrounded by. Before I could go anywhere, a police officer pulled up. He then handcuffed me and brought me here. Yeah, can you believe that?"
            Their eyes admit that they too know how it feels to be lost.

            "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, once again I apologize. I know that what I have said is both long winded and absurd, but trust me, I left out a lot. It is as close to a summary as I can offer you. I will not make you suffer through hearing me recount every bizarre detail. Instead, for your reading pleasure, I enter into evidence, Exhibit B, a very detailed, 33 part account of the six days in question".
            On a table in front of the judge, jury, and executioner, I place a thick document.
            It resembles a really entertaining memoir.

            "Lovely ladies and gallant gentlemen, please know that I do not use those terms loosely. Also, please know that I have chosen to act as my own defense simply because I do not need to be defended. I have done nothing wrong. The prosecution will undoubtedly call up one unreliable witness after another. You will hear from my nosy neighbors. You will hear from my so called "friends"( I do that quote/unquote thing with my hands).  You will also hear the emotional testimony from a couple of fine actors, my mother and father. You will see that they have their own agendas".
            They are falling for my fancy legal maneuvering.

            "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have no agenda. My only agenda is allowing you to put this in your past and move on with your lives. I have wasted enough precious time already, so I do not want to waste anymore. I don't have to tell you how I want you to consider the facts with an open mind during your deliberation. I trust that you will do so without being instructed by the court. All that I want is to expedite what is sure to be a long, drawn out trial. I want this so that you can call your family, so you can tell them that this madness is all over and that you are finally coming home. When you get home and this is all behind you, these are my instructions to you: Hug your family. Remind them how much you love them. Tell them how much you have missed them. Tell them that this time apart has only made you appreciate them more than when you left so long ago. I hope you find yourselves following my instructions very soon. Thank you".
            They somehow restrain their applause.
            That must come later.

            This concludes my opening statement.

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