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Twisting all the bad things into good

Dec 13, 2012

Top That!

        I'm hot...
        and you're not.
        But if you wanna get with me I'll give it one shot
        TOP THAT!
          - Rhett, Teen Witch


        As far as I know, as far as I wanna know, he's never had sex with a dude.
        He's still a "topper".
        That's what I call that guy always topping your story with a more extreme version.

        If you're as well versed in the way of the topper as I am, there is an incognito way to make their presence in a conversation known to another listener who is in the know about such people, but might be too many beers deep to recognize them.
        In mid-conversation, and without segue, you make a reference to a Harley Davidson, which the topper will have at least 2 of, both top of the line. If you tell him you also have a pair of top choppers, he'll suddenly remember he forgot to mention his third, because it's in the shop, getting worked on, so it will be faster than both of yours.....combined.

        "Harley" is a clever reference to the main character played by Charlie Sheen in the 1991 film Hot Shots! and it's 1993 sequel Hot Shots! Part Deux.
        Part Deux was not a topper, but it was still 70% bullshit.
        In Hollywood, Charlie Sheen is known as one of the top toppers in film/tv industry.
        In both films in the Hot Shots trilogy, he is known as "Topper Harley".

        Topper Harley was a slapstick version of  Maverick in Top Gun, the top grossing film of 1986.
        The Top Gun soundtrack also went to number 1, topping the Billboard charts for five nonconsecutive weeks. Everywhere you went that summer, Kenny Loggins' Danger Zone was playing, usually louder than necessary.
        The following year, Kenny Loggins found himself on the charts again with another soundtrack hit, this time with Meet Me Halfway, the theme song from the Sylvester Stallone film, Over the Top, the Rocky 5 of arm-wrestling movies.

        Toppers never listen.
        When someone like myself, or anyone else who is not a pathological liar, tells a story sans embellishment about something that actually happened, that's when their wheels are turning faster than the 2 on a juiced up Lance Armstrong's bicycle.
         And the 4 on his Lamborghini.

        Once they hear the silence that comes between mid-sentence words, that's when they pounce, saying, "That's nothing, this one time I ..." or "You wanna hear something even more fucked up than that?"

        Toppers are ubiquitous.
        Nowhere are they found more per capita than inside circles where hard liquor is consumed by the bottle, and beer by the keg.
        Every topper who drinks is a raging alcoholic.
        In most cases, their low self esteem is what drives them to drink, to top, and to drug.
        Nobody does more drugs than toppers.
        If you snorted a gram of coke in one line, something that is not outlandish enough to warrant lying, then topper snorted an 8ball in one line, something outlandish enough to warrant dying. This specific claim is also a clear indicator to anyone who knows anything about cocaine or basic mathematics that the topper in question is multiplying 3.5 x  (their truth/your story), an equation most applicable to pot and powder.
        This equation is not in play when boasting about the dozens of perfect girls who have lost their virginity to him.

        You can't win with a topper.
        They will always multiply the details of your story and their life.
        x2 is considered amateur.
        x3 is most consistent, reason being it is not that far of a stretch.
        x4 is hit and miss, depending on the intelligence of the listener.
        x5 is no longer in use.
        It got played out due to the convenience it lent to lying under pressure. It became clear to the bottom feeders that a guy who struggles to kill a 6 pack, or even a 12 pack, always puts down no less than exactly 30 or 60 beers.
        Despite all toppers having an IQ score higher than you or I, you'll rarely come across one who works in multiples of 6.
        Conspiracy theorists will tell you the non use of 6 comes from a superstition that has trickled down from "The Top".
        The Top is very much like The Illuminati, except 4 times better.
        Multiples of 7 are rarely more than the result of bad math.
        A topper who multiplies by 8, or maybe even 9, is a genius.
        There's no arguing that.

        Any number ending with "0" is too easy, but still a valued topping tool when speaking of money matters, such as income and the money won on the Super Bowl.
        No topper has ever lost a bet.
        Most have broken their bookie.
        All are financial wizards who make more money than you and have never made a bad investment.
       I'd need a calculator to figure out what kind of numbers were being run through the mind of a topper who spoke at me recently. When I told him (a true story) about a friend of a friend's sister getting busted with a hundred pounds of weed, he immediately schooled me about how a nonexistent sister of his imaginary friend's totally made up sister and her brother got busted with ten thousand pounds.
       I was more confused by the family factor than the factor of ten being utilized in the logic behind his lie.

        Any odd number over 10 is off the charts.
       If there is a difference between a topper and a liar, it is that at least the topper's nonsense was at one time rooted in.... truth, I guess, for lack of a better word.
       Call them what you will, toppers, story tellers, perjurers, politicians, prevaricators, fablers, false witnesses, fibbers, fiction writers, fucking liars, embellishers, exaggerators, ex-girlfriends, bullshitters, bloggers, it really doesn't matter.
       Because they all have one thing in common.
       They can be entertaining, but after a while, their shit just gets old and you start to resent them for wasting your precious time.
       This is true no matter what, even if whatever it was they were talking or writing about is 8, or maybe even 9, times better than every one of Hemingway's short stories......combined. 

About the author:   Jimmy Mac

He was born in Philadelphia exactly one year before his first birthday.
The nurses had never seen a baby boy so beautiful and well read.
The doctor had never even heard of a baby born with a Black Belt.                                                        
Was the youngest person to ever run the Philadelphia Marathon.
He was 3 years old.
And he won.

Lost his virginity to his babysitter, a Swedish model.
He was 7. 
She had   4 orgasms.

Ran a 3 minute mile in 5th grade.

The only person who ever scored over 2000 on his SAT's. 

He also graduated top of his class.
Every year.

His unfinished book has already made every critic's and reader's 
Top 10 Books of 2013 list, and is on pace to outsell The Bible by 2014.

It was the first thing he ever wrote.

 He currently lives in a big house in Worcester, Pennsylvania.
With his parents.
And he's never been married.
Because nobody's perfect.

 "See you at the top"
  Zig Ziglar


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