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Twisting all the bad things into good

Feb 17, 2013

BOOK of TANGENTS: How I Overcame ADD To Write A Short Sports Story


Racing teaches us to challenge ourselves.
It teaches us to push beyond where we thought we could go.
It helps us to find out what we are made of. 
This is what we do. 
This is what it's all about.
-PattiSue Plumer, U.S. Olympian

        Hey, sports fans.
        I wrote this after the 2012 Olympics when I read a ridic article about how Michael Phelps overcame ADHD to become a Gold Medalist.
        But, I totally forgot about it until that South African runner, Oscar Pistorius shot his smoking hot model girlfriend on Valentine's Day.

        And I went off track, and off the deep end, right about here...

           I just saw Jesus high-five Satan.
        And not even the Special Olympics! The Not Special Olympics!


       Never in my 36 years on this God forsaken planet have I witnessed such an act of heroism.
       My faith in the human spirit is renewed.

         This is bigger than Billy Mills, Jesse Owens, Mary Lou Retton, Carl Lewis, Bruce Jenner, Flo Jo, Edwin Moses, Michael Johnson, Greg Louganis, Mark Spitz, Jackie Joyner Kersey, and the Miracle on Ice....combined!
       This was the Miracle In the Water.
       This is a man who overcame ADHD to win multiple Gold Medals.

         This is Michael Phelps. 

       How could a man crippled by boundless energy and scourged by an affliction that makes attempting to read a book as futile as trying to write one, ever become a great athlete?
        Speaking of mental disorders and writing, I can only fathom that the only reason Phelps did not immediately sink like a stone in Virginia Woolf's pocket when he hit the water was due to his unmerciful God's given disability to hyperfocus on only one thing at a time, like swimming, for an example.

         I hope the double amputee who ran, not swam, but actually ran, like on 2 legs,  the 400 meters in the actual time-delayed televised London Olympics got a chance to meet him at the wheelchair inaccessible Hope Solo Cup Keg Party so he could struggle to get Phelps' attention long enough to tell him what an inspiration he is to all the amputee athletes with ADHD over at the Paralympic Village who can't help but sympathize with how Phelps' weak impulse control has caused him the kind of pain only known by those who've had to answer to the glib Matt Lauer about their DUI arrest,  and how, even with the help of their prosthetic legs, their ADD also causes them to consistently run late for magazine cover photo shoots, and how they too struggle to make it through life with their special need for a publicist to keep organized their schedule of talk show appearances.

"Hey, fuck you! I'm Michael Phelps!"

         Damn, I could've been a great goddamn sports reporter. But that dream died when I accepted that my own attention deficit would never allow me the strength or follow through to ever write anything longer than a FaceBook status. 

        Needless to say, this was written a long time ago.

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