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Feb 18, 2013

THE BOOK of TANGENTS: Dude, Not Every Personality Quirk Is A Disorder

        I was writing about personality disorders, and this happened....

       Sometimes a personality disorder is just a personality quirk.
       An attention deficit might be a lack of interest in things you have no interest in.
       Maybe one person's histrionic, is another's eccentric.

       Don't tell me I'm a narcissist.
       Tell me something I haven't heard before.
       I feel empathy.
       Narcissists can not empathize.

       I'm pretty sure they can fake it though.

       Same with psychopaths.
       Watch out for those guys.
       Might want to avoid sociopaths too.
       People not fascinated by antisocial personality disorders use these terms interchangeably, but unlike the psychopath, with a sociopath, what you see is what you get bludgeoned with.
       Best advice, if you're curious which path the drifter with a hammer at your door is on, open your door, but keep your screen door closed. Engage him in a little friendly conversation, and if he's able to pull off a little of that old Ted Bundy type charm, then you know you have a a psychopath at your door, and then immediately close that door.
       If the man with the hammer at your door shortcuts the chitchat and immediately demands you to "OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR, LADY!", then that man is a sociopath, so don't open the fucking door, lady.

       You're welcome.

       It's not always as easy as my "man with the hammer at the door test".
       Sometimes the man with the hammer is only a carpenter.
       That "psychopath" across the street?
       Maybe he's just an asshole.

       As for your new crazy girlfriend and your suspicions about her having some personality/mood disorder(s), give her about 5 days before you request she pack up her stuff she hasn't even had time to unpack yet. If she snaps out of it before she snaps, it was probably just because she was on the rag.
       If you can't talk her into getting on the pill because she says it "makes her (even more) crazy" than normal, just pull out and aim at her belly button ring. She definitely won't mind and you definitely won't be the first dude whose done it to her. Speaking of the dozens of other dudes who defiled this months love of your life, if she has any piercings below her belly button, or if you're a premature ejaculater, you're gonna wanna hit up Costco or Sam's Club and purchase a year supply of condoms every 2 weeks.

       Actually, save your money. 
       You'll need it to support her coke habit, and you would just be blowing hard earned blow money on a suitcase sized box of rubbers because she's just gonna tell you she hates condoms even more than you do. 2 minutes later, you're washing your dirty dick in the sink trying to ignore her remark "I've always hated condoms, I like it raw" until you feel the need to douse yourself in the only alcohol in the house she hasn't consumed. If behind that bottle of rubbing alcohol you find a prescription bottle reading "SEROQUEL" give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe it's just to help her sleep.

       Even if she is a moody bitch for 30 days out of every month excluding February, she lets you do whatever you want to her and she takes it like a former pro, so there's no need to let her unpredictable outbursts cause you to jump to conclusions or from a moving car. Maybe you're lucky. Maybe she's not "the one", but maybe she's the 1 out of every 16 women in the U.S. undeserving of a "bipolar" diagnosis.

       Congrats, dude.
       You found a "normal" girl.
       Keep that lunatic away from your tools just in case though.
       And best log out of your FaceBook every time you walk away from the computer. 

       You're welcome.

       Good luck.

       Rest in peace.

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