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Twisting all the bad things into good

Feb 18, 2013

THE BOOK of TANGENTS: The Time I Bought Rum, But Stole Ice Cream


        Here's a little ditty of a tangent I went off on while writing about my days as a loser, all the way back in 2010.


        This in no way justified me walking to Crown Wine & Spirits to buy the biggest and cheapest bottle of rum I could afford, and then stopping in Walgreens, where I pulled an Oceans 11 on a half-gallon of Blue Bell Caramel Kettle Crunch Ice Cream because I couldn't cover the $3.99, nor could I resist a creamy vanilla ice cream with crunchy caramel-coated popcorn and a smooth caramel sauce swirl. It's not like I robbed the pharmacy, a heist I would have considered if percocets were left unguarded in the freezer next to Choco Tacos. 

        George Clooney looked like a spaz compared with the way I walked out the automatic doors, after stopping to ask the cashier details on how to reload a prepaid credit card I didn't have with some money I didn't have. I thought this would make me less suspicious because, what kind of fucking idiot would steal ice cream and then stop to exchange "pleases" and "thank yous" with the cashier while the ice cream melts and the swat team closes in? It was more likely that whoever was monitoring the eye in the sky saw my every move and knew exactly what I was going to do before I went through with an act that reeked of desperation and the cheap rum I had been drinking from the bottle. If there was someone watching me, he probably recognized me from my frequenting of the pharmacy, the place where the real robberies are bound to occur. It's the place that provides for a dangerous situation depending on the person standing on one side of the counter and how desperate they are for what fills the room behind it. It's where a person is sent for a cure for their pain, and sometimes the cure becomes the pain, and a person become an addict, and an addict becomes a thief, and after that, some become the kind of person who runs out those doors after they've taken more than ice cream or even pills.

        Maybe my hesitation and my contemplation that was disguised as me reading Rolling Stone album reviews between my trips between the magazine aisle and the frozen food aisle, and me looking over my shoulders was evidence that I was neither a good thief or even a bad thief. Before that, I never stole anything from anyone who was not me.

       Well, there was that one time when I was a valet.


  1. I am loving the book of tangents JMac!

  2. Thanks, JAX!
    I got a lot more of them, all scattered around.
    I'm pretty sure that combined, they'd add up to the length of an actual book., a book that wouldn't make much sense.