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Twisting all the bad things into good

Dec 30, 2011

A Love Letter To Katy Perry


             I don't know what to offer you
             I'm only broke and lonely
             The Walkmen, Another One Goes By
Dear Katy,

          First off, I just want you to know that I am not some kind of "weirdo" or stalker type. Second, I want you to know that I am madly in love with you and would like to go on a first date. You are amazingly beautiful and I also hear that you are a very good singer. Maybe I'll download, I mean legally purchase one of your cd's. Are they available at Target?
          I would have to say that you and Marion Cotillard are the 2 most beautiful women I have ever seen. You both have a similar look, but she is 10 years older than you, has a baby, and is married, not that marriage means much in Hollywood.
         Speaking of marriage, I was so happy to hear about your divorce today. I'm really glad things did not work out with that Russel Brand character. That's really great news for both of us. You will be free to date and eventually marry me within a few weeks. As for me, I will be able to watch Get Him To the Greek without being overwhelmed by searing animosity. Other people think Forgetting Sarah Marshall is hilarious, but it just makes me angry.
         Every time I see him I wonder to myself,"What's so great about him? What does this English chap have that I don't?"
         So I made a list.
         1) Millions of people think he's hilarious.
             (I think I'm hilarious)
         2) He has his own place.
             (That's just because he hates his mother. That tells ya something right there)
         3) He guest starred on The Simpsons.
             (I have seasons 1-4 on DVD)
         4) He has a radio show.
             (When I get a mic I'm gonna do a podcast)
         5) He has bipolar disorder and was bulimic.
             (I've dated bipolar chicks before. It's awesome when their manic :) The depression part sucks :( As for my mental health, well, I've never had an eating disorder)
          6) He was a sex addict. Voted Shagger of the Year 2006-2008
             ( I went almost 2 years without getting laid 2008-2010)
          7) He used to self harm.
              (I have never choked myself while masturbating)
          8) He has a valid driver's license (I assume)
              (I get mine back in 2 months. I thought the cop said,"Try NOT to walk a straight line". He should have been more clear since I was obviously intoxicated)
          9) He has a past of drug addiction.
             (Eh, never mind that one, bad example.)
         10) He was an alcoholic and now is sober.
             (Let's be honest, that's no fun. He's always running off to meetings. Steps are for stairways, am I right? (clear throat) Let's just move on to the next one)
          11)  He was very promiscuous.
               (Another bad example. We all have a past, right (nervous laughter)? After all, you dated that dirtbag from Gym Class Heroes, but I promise that is the last time I bring that up. I've made mistakes in my past too. Interestingly enough, most of them also had nose rings.)
          12)  He has written 2 autobiographical memoirs where he shamelessly recounts tales of debauchery that should remain private. He openly discusses drug and alcohol abuse and sex. Is nothing sacred?
               ( I am writing a memoir that pretty much does the same thing) 
           13) He called his books "Booky Wooky 1" and "Booky Wooky 2"
               (I called part 1 of my blog series "Nitty Gritty", but I'm going to call the book "The Patron Saint of...Whatever" or maybe "The Patron Saint of...WTF?" I'm sure you are as smart as you are beautiful, so I'll let you decide. See? I'm very unselfish. I'm that way in bed too. Just throwing that out there)

       Well, I could go on and on, but I think I may be hurting my argument more than helping it, now that I think about it. I don't really think before I write, I just let it bleed out of me and think about it later. If I would have considered this list, maybe I would have mentioned all the things that me and your soon to be ex-husband have in common. I should really read his memoirs, sounds right up my alley. Speaking of "up my alley", maybe I should just date him. Just kidding. See, I'm hilarious too.
        But, I really do have to get going. I'm sure you will have 12 million similar proposals on Twitter by the time you read this and write me back. Plus, I have to get back to finishing my blog series that I told you about. It's pretty much a rough draft so once I finish it, I have to go back to the beginning and actually edit it and structure it into novel form. What I've done so far is stream of consciousness, kind of like this letter. But I guess when you bottle up such strong emotions, once you let them out, it just seems to flow. I actually think Russel would enjoy it if he read it. Maybe if things go as planned, as they never do, you might actually read it in 2012. Maybe you'll think to yourself,"This guy is a lot like Russel, except he never shot heroin in a bathroom (I snorted it once, but I NEVER use public bathrooms for anything since I stopped doing coke), he's younger than Russel (almost 5 months) and most importantly, he is SO much better looking than Russel" (debatable).
         Honestly, Katy my love, I can't be Russel Brand #2. I don't want to be. I only want to be Jimmy Mac #1. Actually, I might settle for Mr. Katy Perry #2, but we can discuss that on our first date and ponder it until our Vegas wedding 22 days later. You won't have to worry about me cheating on you while you are on the road, because I will go with you. Don't worry, I'll stay at the hotel and write. When I'm not on tour with you, I'll just be at home writing. Writing, as you will find out, is my other obsession and the other love of my life. I will gladly take a good night of writing over a one night stand. Why would I bother when no other woman alive compares to you (besides Marion Cotillard, but we already covered that)?
          If you do not accept my proposal without ever having seen me, just know that I have enclosed a recent picture. If that still does not get me a call back, maybe our paths will cross one day. Maybe we will look back at this letter and laugh and laugh and make love like 5 times and then laugh at what a jackass I was before I became a successful writer. Then we will laugh at how money and success have only made me an even bigger jackass, then I'll beg you for another round, which you will undoubtedly and gladly accept. Then while you sleep like a completely satisfied angel, I will sit there and give myself a mental pat on the back, the same back that once caused me to start taking pain killers. I will laugh, not loud enough to wake you, but I will laugh at the thought that I once wished I had never been born. I will have so much appreciation for how truly amazing my life has turned out. And even if I don't believe in God on that particular night, I will still thank Him.
          I can tell by drooling over your pictures that you will give a lot of consideration to my letter. If you do not fall in love with me by the time you're done reading, or even by the time I die, it will be okay. I will be okay. There was a time not too long ago when I could not say that. There was a time when I would have never had the courage to write this letter or anything that may invite criticism or ridicule. Those days are gone. I now feel that I deserve only the best, and luckily for you, I consider you the best. I will die alone before I settle. If that happens, that is okay too. But, you never know what will happen. Situations change drastically in months, weeks, days, and even hours. Sometimes everything changes in a single moment when we least expect it. So I expect you to holla back before some lucky girl comes along and scoops me up. If that happens, I wish you all the best. If someone does steal me away from you, maybe her and I will read this letter together and we will laugh and I will pull out a blue wig and ask her to let me call her Katy. Then I will tell her I'm kidding and we'll laugh and I'll be thinking how I was being serious about the wig thing and she'll be thinking the same thing, but we'll just keep laughing and laughing until it's just not funny anymore, if that time ever comes. Then while she sleeps like a completely satisfied angel, I will sit there and give myself a mental pat on the back, the same back that once caused me to start taking pain killers. I will laugh, not loud enough to wake her, but I will laugh at the thought that I once wished I had never been born. I will have so much appreciation for how truly amazing my life has turned out. And even if I don't believe in God on that particular night, I will still thank Him.

          Love Always,
          Jimmy Mac

         P.S.  I'm out front of your house and it doesn't look like anyone is home. I didn't want this to get lost in the shuffle of all your fan mail, so I'm just going to leave it under your pillow in your bedroom. Don't be worried, I'm not going to go through your panty drawer. I already told you, I'm not some weird stalker type.

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